This year, I thought a lot about the prophets. For those who don’t know, the prophets of Islam are exactly the same as in the Old Testament of the Bible.
Every Ramadan, I think of one thing, and that is food. And, no, it’s not because I fast and all I can do is salivate about what I’m going to stick in my mouth as soon as the sun goes down – I don’t fast.
The reason I think about food all the time is not because I look at my fasting mother or brother and I wonder: Wow, you must be so hungry (hungry and angry) now!
I think a lot about food because of the poor – all the millions of poor Muslims around the world who obediently and sincerely watch this month, year after year, with an empty stomach and a full heart.
Ramadan is for spiritual contemplation and self-improvement. It is a month in which all Muslims must dedicate themselves to worship. It is a 30-day lesson in self-discipline, self-control, self-sacrifice and, most importantly, it is a month in which each person, in the hours between sunrise and sunset, must be endowed with the ability to empathize.
It is a month to act generously towards the less fortunate and pay our mandatory alms – also known as zakat, which is calculated according to a percentage of your annual income. It is also a time to feed the poor – to give a hot meal to those who have fasted all day and to make the next day a little easier for them.
So I thought about it. I gave my alms and helped to feed an insufficient number of people, and I thought about food, the hungry and, still, the devotees.
This year, I also thought a lot about prophets. For those who don’t know, the prophets of Islam are exactly the same as in the Old Testament of the Bible. Yes, including Jesus; we believe in him too. But my thoughts were teeming with pop culture and folkloric events from the past, and as I gathered them together, I thought: Who of these messengers would become the most single bachelor?
A jump, jump and jump between AC and AC and these were my discoveries: I think Noah was the worst prophet and if he were alive and single, he would be the most troubled bachelor in the building. He was a boat builder (handsome tan, strong muscles), a ship captain (sexy as he is), a veterinarian (empathy for animals? Check) and an animal rescuer – long distance, I might add (not my cup of tea, but vegans are going crazy). He had to have been a lifesaver and a doctor for all those people in the Ark, otherwise how did they survive? I’ll tell you how, with Dr. Captain, Vet Noah.
Jesus is portrayed as very beautiful according to Western standards of beauty. In other words: blue eyes, long blond hair and … a pack of six. Much research has shown that he probably looked more Ethiopian. Now, I’m not saying that Ethiopians are not hot, but this is the Global Bachelor. You simply have to bring more to the table.
Muhammad, on the other hand, was a desert nomad and, although he probably had a CosmoMan calendar, the desert diet makes me doubt.
I once watched a documentary in which one of the most favorite foods in the middle of the sand of nowhere was goat’s head boiled in hot camel’s milk. I don’t know, huh? I’m just not feeling it.
Then there is Jonah. Not difficult. Clearly a short, silly man swallowed by a whale.
Moses was Egyptian. Legal background story, but with no real follow-up. I can only watch a man turn a staff into a snake so many times. In addition, some research papers say that the ancient Egyptians did not have the best teeth. In these modern cosmetic times, I don’t think it would have cut it.
Look, I could just go through all the messengers, but the main conclusion here is that if you’re single and heterosexual, cisgender, you’re looking for Noah.
Although there is something about Solomon and Joseph that seems quite mysterious and … attractive; like temperamental bassists who keep their good looks in the dark. I would investigate this if I were you. DM168